Happy Birthday, Jon Bon

Jon Bon Jovi’s birthday was this week. He’s 60 and he looks great. As a firm believer that youth is perpetually fleeting, I’m equal parts impressed and proud.

To honor him, I figured I’d spend my Wednesday jamming to some Bon Jovi. I like to honor celebrities on their birthdays. I do the same thing on the day they die. When Ellen Degeneres dies, you can find me respectfully dancing on her grave.

My first instinct was to pull up my favorite Bon Jovi song: “You Give Love A Bad Name.” If you don’t know the song, you do. Like a true superfan, I subconsciously typed in “Shot Through The Heart.” Because I know the song, but I don’t. That said, I can’t imagine I’m the first person to do that. My forefathers also thought The Who’s best song is “Teenage Wasteland.” 

Spotify knew what I was going for and was kind enough to make “You Give Love A Bad Name” the top search result. Then, I looked down and began a new chapter of my life. Below that song was another song by Bon Jovi. The title of that song is “Shot Through The Heart.” I clicked on it to find that this is a completely different song.

“Shot Through The Heart” is the 4th track on Bon Jovi’s debut/self-titled album, Bon Jovi. It’s slower, a bit more solemn, and has an unnerving number of similarities when compared to “You Give Love A Bad Name.” Both songs start with the phrase “shot through the heart.” Both songs have refrains that begin with the words “shot through the heart,” in that order. In both instances, Jon’s injuries are a woman’s fault. Not only that, but in both songs, love is referred to as “a game.”

 “Shot through the heart. It’s all part of the game that we call love.” – Shot Through The Heart

“I play my part and you play your game” ­– You Give Love A Bad Name

Coming from the world of standup comedy, I’m no stranger to plagiarism and parallel thought. I’ve seen jokes get outright stolen. I’ve unknowingly tried out jokes that are conceptually similar to ones that already exist. That said, to plagiarize and think parallel to yourself is uncharted and deeply confusing territory for me. I refuse to get over this. I’ve told so many people about it (unprovoked) in the past 2 days. Every single conversation is an Abbott & Costello routine where we end up saying the phrase “shot through the heart” at least 12 times within the span of a minute. That’s once every 5 seconds if you’re dumb.

Not only did Jon Bon Jovi wrote two songs about a bullet fully entering and exiting his heart, but this reminded me that in the 2005 whodunnit cyber-slasher Cry Wolf, Jon’s character is shot. Upon revisiting the movie (so you don’t have to), I can confirm that he was indeed shot through the heart by someone who wasn’t him.

For the record, he’s never been shot.

What was Jon’s obsession with this concept? Why did he try more than once to get this phrase going? Did he just think this phrase would mark his legacy? Did he need a past lover to know that the source of his pain is now the source of his profit? As one of the tamer ‘80s hair metal front men, did he want to seem just as violent and dangerous as his colleagues?

It dawned on me this morning. It dawned on dawn. Much like how the bullet approached the heart, I finally listened to the first song all the way through. I had been too thrown off to do it yet. After one official listen, it all made sense. Jon does want that phrase to mark his legacy and he does want to get back at his ex, but “Shot Through The Heart” absolutely sucks. It’s sluggish, boring, and lacks any of the energy that the rest of the album provides. Once you compare it to its sequel, it’s infinitely worse. 

This isn’t Bon Jovi defamation. In fact, this revelation made me respect the man infinite times over. He’s the truest believer that if you don’t succeed, try again. He’s not saying that failure isn’t an option, but he knows it isn’t the first option.

This hit me hard. In standup, sometimes a joke bombs so much that you walk offstage knowing you’ll never say it again. “Shot Through The Heart” bombed so hard that I guarantee this is how you learned about it. Unlike me, Jon refused to fail. He went back to the drawing board and put out the band’s best song. There was some obvious retooling but, in some senses, he did just shout “shot through the heart” instead of crooning it. You didn’t like it the first time around? Fuck you. Try it again. 

I think that’s a lesson I’ll carry with me moving forward. If at first you don’t succeed, try owning it at the top of your lungs.

So happy 60th, Jon. We’re halfway there.