Getting Into Heaven
*Josh falls asleep. He wakes up in front of The Pearly Gates ™*
SAINT PETER: Welcome, child.
JOSH: Um, hi! Is this…
PETER: This is indeed heaven. Eternal salvation, patent pending.
JOSH: Oh, wow! I died.
PETER: Yes, you did. Violently. But your hard work, kind heart, and most recent visit to Christmas Mass have absolved you of your sins and have granted you peace from here on out.
JOSH: That’s great!
PETER: Yes, but before we officially begin orientation, we just have to do a quick little background check.
*Saint Peter pulls out a big ol’ notebook*
JOSH: A background check?
PETER: Yeah, we just have to make sure you’re the Josh O’Neill we have on record. The right Josh O’Neill. God forbid we have another mix-up.
JOSH: That makes sense. How do we do it?
PETER: Well, we just run a couple of your life’s statistics by you, and if you can confirm them with a pure heart, we’ll know you’re you.
JOSH: Sounds easy enough.
PETER: Let’s get started. How old were you when you died?
JOSH: 97.
PETER: So far, so good. Out of all the music you listened to in your life, who would you say you listened to the most?
JOSH: The Talking Heads.
PETER: And who’s the secret actual artist?
JOSH: Reel Big Fish.
PETER: You’re doing great. Just one final question and we’ll be all set. Would you say that out of all the foods you ate in your life, the one you ate the most of was…Cheese Ritz Bits?
JOSH: Yep.
PETER: Really now?
JOSH: Oh yeah. Big time.
PETER: The little cracker and cheese sandwiches? From Nabisco?
JOSH: I mean, if we’re going by quantity, it’s definitely Ritz Bits.
PETER: How often were you eating them?
JOSH: Maybe two to four times a week, depending on availability.
PETER: Availability?
JOSH: Oh, I checked my gas station every day. But yeah. You get a couple dozen bits per bag. Over 90+ years, that adds up.
PETER: It outranks smaller foods? Like grains of rice? It says here you only had 220 grains of rice.
JOSH: Yeah, I tried a burrito once.
PETER: This outranks grains of salt?
JOSH: Apparently! That’s honestly surprising! Because there’s salt on the Bits!
PETER: Gabriel, get over here! Put down the sword. Get over here.
*Enter The Archangel Gabriel*
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Yes, Peter?
PETER: Look at this. Check this out.
GABRIEL: …Cheese? Over Peanut Butter?
JOSH: I’ll get the peanut butter if they don’t have the cheese, but I’m never psyched about it.
GABRIEL: The peanut butter ones are notably better.
JOSH: They’re too dry for me.
PETER: But you’re okay with how dusty the cheese is? And you lived to 97?
JOSH: Read the bag, man. That’s real Kraft cheese. I don’t see any real Kraft peanut butter.
GABRIEL: This is blasphemy.
JOSH: Hey, when you guys hang out together, do people call you Peter Gabriel?
PETER: Don’t change the subject!
JOSH: Tell you what I’ll do with the peanut butter ones, though! Can’t do this with the cheese ones. This is fun. I’ll get a bag of those. I’ll also grab a bag of peanut butter M&Ms. When I’m home, I’ll disassemble the Ritz Bits. I’ll eat the crackers first and peel off the peanut butter. Put it in a pile. Then, I’ll take the peanut butter M&MS, mush those up with the peanut butter into this soft, crunchy, chocolatey peanut butter ball. That’s my dessert.
GABRIEL: Jesus Christ.
PETER: The Ritz Bits are your dinner?
JOSH: Well, I spent my twenties in kitchens, cooking for hours on end. The last thing I ever wanted to do afterwards was cook at home, so I’d either get takeout or get a snack ensemble at the gas station.
PETER: A snack ensemble?
JOSH: Chocolate candy for an appetizer. Savory Ritz Bits for dinner. A candy with peanut butter and chocolate for dessert.
GABRIEL: Good Lord.
PETER: Joshua. We have to know. In your adult life, did you ever make a hot meal for yourself at home?
JOSH: …Well, there were The Nasty Bagels.
GABRIEL: I’m gonna go throw up.
JOSH: So, you take a pre-cut Thomas Bagel and you put it in the toaster. Once it’s light brown and crispy to your liking, you gob it with peanut butter. I want to emphasize my verbiage. You gob it. Gobs of peanut butter on each half. Then, you put Nestle TollHouse chocolate chips on top.
GABRIEL: …Okay, that’s not terrible.
JOSH: Then, you throw it in the microwave for 18 to 22 seconds, depending on the peanut butter’s initial temperature. After that, you’ve got a crisp, yet chewy, Reese’s bagel treat. Sure, most of the toppings slide off of the bagel, but now you have a dip you can scoop up with the bagel and your fingers, if need be. Ideally, you end up with just hot peanut butter and chocolate, without any bagel to interfere.
GABRIEL: …
JOSH: I’m not getting in, am I?
GABRIEL: You’re not. Thank you. I didn’t want to be the one to say it.
JOSH: No, yeah, for sure. I get that.