Cheers in 2022

If the cast of Cheers reunites on screen ever again, I will do everything in my power to stop it. I’ll call in bomb threats. I’ll start a GoFundMe or whatever the opposite of a GoFundMe is. I’ll find Ted Danson and start the first and only physical fight I’ve ever had in my life. I’ll lose it, but I’ll start it. I will be a petulant child in every way I can think of. Don’t televise a reunion. Just tell me they all went out for ice cream. Tell me about it 3 years after the fact.

That decree stems from this fact: The cast reunion is the most masturbatory genre of entertainment (move over, pornography). The cast of Friends sits on a couch and watches Friends. The Fresh Prince cast watches Fresh Prince and confirms that they were indeed on Fresh Prince. They laugh at jokes they didn’t write. Their wrinkles remind us that youth is perpetually fleeting. Everyone but you walks away with 2.5 million dollars. 

My favorite show doesn’t need that. If I wanted to watch the best of Cheers, I’d watch Cheers. All 271 episodes. That’s the best of the show.

This isn’t to say some shows don’t do it right. Some shows reunite the characters. In 2020, Parks and Recreation checked in with Leslie Knope, rather than Amy Poehler. They made the references fans wanted and got us with some new zingers. Next to Cobra Kai, it was character renewal and fan service at its finest. 

That’s not going to happen with Cheers. There’s no demand for that content. But upon my visit to Boston over Christmas, I went to that little bar/gift shop on Beacon Street and couldn’t help but write down what I think the gang would be up to if they popped up on my TV tomorrow.

Sam Malone: The chaos of 2020 almost made our hero relapse, but he pulls through after Woody teaches him how to be “California Sober.” He’s still single and available but has pumped the brakes out of respect for the Me-Too Movement. His new opening line is “Do I have consent to hit on you?” It has a 100% success rate.

He also finally learns how to use a laptop and a smartphone. He never had to up to this point, but COVID forces him to date virtually. His age range on Tinder is 25-60 and his phone only has enough spaces to hold 1/26th of the ladies from his little black book (the As) in his contacts.

Diane Chambers: By now, Diane's a respected screenwriter, author, and humanitarian. In this world, she wrote Lady Bird. She has been dating the same playwright for 30 years. Out of fear of jinxing it, they never marry. 

She befriends Carole Baskin, who she believes got a bad rap. Plus, they have the exact same old lady energy (you know the one). She and Carole are the only 2 people who truly know how Carole’s husband died.

Rebecca Howe: Much like Kirstie Alley herself, Rebecca’s a full-blown Trump supporter. She doesn’t even lean his way politically. She just can’t get over how rich and hot he is. She was at the insurrection but was somehow locked in a port-a-john for most of it.

Also, at one point, she looks right into the camera and says “Hey! I didn’t ruin the show! If you think it was ruined (which it wasn’t), it’s because Diane left! Not because I arrived! It’s a subjective debate overall because Rebecca is funnier than Diane, but Shelley Long is funnier than Kirstie Alley! I refuse to believe I ruined Cheers!” She turns around and immediately bumps into a wall.

Ernie “Coach” Pantusso: Sadly, Coach is still dead. Everyone misses him dearly.

Norm Peterson: Norm! He’s been hunkered down at Cheers since the start of quarantine. As soon as he learned that lockdowns were happening, he called Vera and used social distancing as his excuse to stay at the bar for a while. He bathes in the kitchen of Melville’s and sleeps in the poolroom. Despite this, he still makes a point to walk through the front door and say “Afternoon, everybody” every single day. He hates hard seltzer and in the age of craft beer, his go-to order is still “a beer.” It’s still more foam than beer.

Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli Lebec: Somehow, decades after menopause, Carla gets pregnant. This is especially surprising because she hasn't left the house since March of 2020. Still as religious as ever, she chalks it up to immaculate conception. Just kidding. The father is her newest husband: film and television’s Danny Devito. THEY NEVER SPLIT UP. EVER.

Cliff Clavin: As a proud member of the USPS, Cliff takes any opportunity he can to take credit for singlehandedly saving the 2020 election. His most prized possession is a squash that looks like Zendaya. His “Ma” has since died, but rumor has it her body is still in his apartment.

Woody Boyd: After becoming a city councilman in Season 11, Woody has held onto the spot for almost thirty years. No one in Boston ever votes against him because it makes them sad to see him cry. He doesn’t cry like Brett Kavanaugh. His tears garner sympathy and pity. Sweet, sweet Woody. He and Kelly have seven children.

Frasier Crane: Dr. Crane comes back from Seattle because quarantining in such a rainy place really did a number on his psyche. He brings Eddie, but other than that, we forget any of Frasier ever happened. Some would say this is major Frasier erasure. I correct those people. The proper term is “Erasure Crane.”

Lilith Sternin-Crane: Dr. Sternin-Crane is happily married to me, Josh O’Neill. 

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